Great Books for Self-Improvement

Reading has always been an escape for me. It always gives me something to focus on.I have been spending a lot of time lately with my face buried in the pages of a lot of self-improvement books. I have noticed that reading has been really motivational for me in my journey for self-development. It has decreased my anxiety, decreased my depression, decreased my anger and irritation, and has opened me up to a ton of new coping skills I never would have thought about before. Below are 10 of my newest favorites for self-improvement books I've found on Amazon. They have really made me start to change my way of thinking, and my actions throughout the day. They have opened me up to new coping skills as well, and I thought I was the Queen of coping skills.

Types of Self Care

What exactly is self-care? Self-care is defined as the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one's own health and well-being.Self-care is so important for so many reasons. The most important reason, for me, is that it helps reduce my anxiety and sends a sort of reboot signal to my brain. Self-care reminds you, and others, that you and your needs are just as important as others and their needs. It helps build a positive relationship with yourself, which in turn can help positively impact your relationship with others. It helps boost your confidence and your self-esteem and self-worth. It is SOOOOO vital for a healthy and happy life. 

Okay, so now that we know WHAT self-care is and WHY it's so important, let's discuss the different types of self-care, and how to implement them. 

Physical Self-Care
Physical self-care is anything that physically impacts your body. Most people assume this means some kind of crazy workout routine or a 50 mile run. No. Trust me. No. This can be something as simple as eating fruit for breakfast instead of that triple stack of pancakes slathered in butter and thick syrup. It could be taking a leisurely stroll through the neighborhood after you get off of work in the evening. It could be yoga or Thai-chi, or just stretching a little before bed. Of course it CAN be doing a crazy workout routine or running 50 miles. The important thing is that you find something you enjoy. It it's a chore or your feel like it's some kind of obligation, it totally negates the positive aspects of it. You want to enjoy it, and you want to feel positive and happy while you do it. For me personally, I like to take a walk in the neighborhood behind my apartments after I drop my child off for school. It's quiet and peaceful and I am able to take my time, listen to some music I enjoy if I choose, or use that time to be mindful and take in everything around me. I love looking at the different architecture of the houses, the different decor people choose for the outside of their homes, the flowers, the birds, the trees, the fresh air. It's very peaceful and beautiful. 

Emotional Self-Care
This is all about becoming more aware, and getting in tune with your emotional side. I have come to realize that my anxiety has caused me to become extremely insecure, and because of that, I bottle all of my emotions up. I keep them all buried deep inside of me because I am afraid of what others will think or how they will react towards me. This is obviously detrimental. Emotional self-care is so important because it helps you work past issues like this to become more mindful and open to experiencing and sharing these emotions instead of keeping them bottled up. Good examples of some emotional self-care include keeping a journal, meditating (this becomes easier the more you practice mindfulness), and even expressing your emotions through things like music and art, like painting or drawing or doing craft projects. 

Spiritual Self-Care
This does not necessarily have to do with religion, unless you want it to. I, myself, and not a religious person, but am highly spiritual. Spiritual self-care is all about feeding your soul. When you soul is full, your life is full. When your soul is happy, you are happy. Your soul is the deepest part of you. It is your whole essence, so if you can feed it with positive things, you will feel such an amazing shift in your life. This can be meditating, going out into nature, volunteering at an animal shelter, feeding the homeless, etc. My spiritual self-care has always been working towards bettering the lives of the mentally ill. Having a mental illness, and having a father who suffered from severe paranoid schizophrenia for almost 3 decades, and having worked in the mental health field for 10 years has really opened my eyes to the stigma that I, and they, have faced. It has shown me just how low on the political totem pole mental illness is, and because of that, there have been huge budget cuts and a lack of resources. It feeds my soul to be able to help those who otherwise would not be able to help themselves. Find things that make you feel good, make you feel positive, and keep doing them. 

Intellectual Self-Care
This is one of my favorite forms of self-care. The purpose of this type of self-care is to feed and challenge your mind. Reading, crossword puzzles, building things, learning new skills, studying new material, and researching fun topics are all types of intellectual self-care. Another things I enjoy doing in this category is watching documentaries that intrigue me. I LOVE learning about anything historical, and I love watching documentaries about history and things from the past. That and reading are my two favorite types of self-care. 
  
Social Self-Care
Having social connections are important to human beings. Being social is human nature. But, there are varying levels when it comes to comfort in social settings. I, myself, and not comfortable in social settings. I do not enjoy large crowds. I don't even enjoy small groups of people. I am most comfortable by myself, or with no more than 2 to 3 people. Any more than that, and my anxiety kicks up, and I usually have to excuse myself after a few minutes. Some people find large groups and a loud environment energizing and pleasing. Social self-care looks different for all of us. For me, it's being able to go visit my best friend and her family. The kids play, we eat and watch movies and visit with each other. It always makes me feel better. For some, social self-care may be going out to a club and dancing for hours with a large group of friends. For others, it may be going to a coffee shop and striking up conversations with strangers. Whatever your level of comfort is with the social world, do more things that meet your social needs. 

Sensory Self-Care
This isn't a type of self-care that many think about, or at least don't realize that they are participating in it. This type of self-care includes things like burning your favorite candle because you love the smell so much, or taking a hot bath with your favorite bubble bath. It could be savoring your hot coffee with french vanilla creamer. It can be listening to your favorite music, or walking barefoot in the warm grass in the spring. I have auditory, visual, and tactile hypersensitivity, which is a fancy way of saying that certain sounds, sights, and textures overwhelm me. So this is a very important type of self-care for me. Sensory self-care, for me, looks a lot like carrying ear plugs with me, finding darker areas to situate myself in, taking hot showers multiple times a day, keeping my Velcro key-chain with me all the time (the sound of Velcro separating is soothing to me haha), keeping hair ties with me because I hate hair touching my neck, and wearing rings on each ring finger so I can twist them with my thumb when I start to get nervous. 

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Self-Love, The Lifelong Journey

I always talk about how my decade of experience working in the mental health field has led me to be very self-aware of my issues. I was right when it came to my anxiety, my depression, and PTSD. I was right when it came to learning coping skills to help make it through the rough times they have caused me. I was right when it came to being able to find resources for various things I, or others, needed. I was right when it came to being able to uncover why I engaged in certain behaviors, or followed certain thought patterns. But I was wrong on so many other levels. 

I have been soooo unaware of some of my deepest issues. My self-doubt, my self-loathing, my lack of confidence, my self-image issues. I have been going through life completely unaware of how little love I have for myself. And it broke my heart when I realized that. There is the saying that others can't love you when you don't love yourself, and I can finally grasp the meaning behind that. 

One thing that has happened due to the lack of self-love in my life, is that I question everyone's intentions. Every. Single. Person. And I've realized that it's because I don't believe that I have very many redeeming qualities, which is an absurd notion. So, with that misguided notion rattling around in my head, I don't give anyone a chance, and I push everyone away...because if I don't see any good qualities in myself, why do these people tell me THEY do? I start to think they must want something from me. The screwed up thing about this line of thinking, is that I get myself into relationships with people that I can have absolutely no future with, people that only end up "proving" my theory, as a way to further my way of twisted thinking...a way to tell myself that I must be right. Which is so ridiculous, that I would laugh if it wasn't so sad! 

But I have been bound and determined to figure this mess out. I have been asking myself the hard questions. The deep questions. The hurtful questions. The BIG questions. And it has revealed so much! I found this website that offers 52 questions to ask yourself, and I have been slowly working through them. It has really opened my eyes, and has helped me become more self-aware of what is going on below the surface. I highly recommend checking it out and working on them. If you are honest with yourself, you will be really surprised at what you find out about yourself. 

It is SO important to love yourself. You are your lifelong partner. You have a relationship with yourself, but it isn't an ordinary relationship. You have the added factors of your thoughts, your emotions, your fears, and your insecurities...all stuck inside of one body...a body you will have your entire life. It's a relationship you will have until you die. So do you want to have a healthy, loving relationship? One that grows, and expands, and betters you? One that makes you happy, full of joy, and excited for the future? Or do you want a negative, abusive relationship? One that makes you miserable and self-conscious? One that makes you feel bad about yourself, wishing you could escape knowing you cant? 

It really is true that the relationship you have with yourself sets the stage for every other relationship you have outside of yourself. If you don't love yourself and respect yourself, if you don't set healthy expectations and boundaries for yourself, it makes it almost impossible to get that from any other relationship. If you don't accept yourself or embrace yourself, you can never fully expect others to do so either. It has been a slap in the face to REALLY, FINALLY understand this. A very eye opening lesson. And with it, has come this amazing sense of peace and acceptance. 

Loving yourself is a lifelong process. You will make mistakes. You will have bad hair days. You will gain weight. You will wear the wrong color. You will spill food on your shirt and not notice it until you use the restroom right after that very important meeting with your boss. You will say something embarrassing. You will trip in front of that really cute person. You will toot in front of someone. You will spill coffee down your brand new shirt. You will fail. You will fail again. But guess what? You will learn from those mistakes. You will have awesome hair days. You will lose weight. You will rock that color that goes flawlessly with your eyes and skin tone. You will get that promotion or that raise regardless of having taco meat and cheese on your shirt. You will say the right thing at the right time, for someone who really needed to hear it. You will succeed. You will succeed again. Because you are human. And humans are durable creatures. We can handle the ups and the downs because we are biologically built to do so. We were given the gift of life because we are strong enough to survive it. 

If you are feeling lost, if you are feeling self-conscious, if you are feeling ugly or fat or less than, if you are feeling worthless or stupid, if you are feeling like you don't belong or that you aren't meant to do great things....I implore you to check out that link above. Ask yourself the tough questions, the hard questions, the hurtful and deep questions. Take ownership of yourself and your mindset. Take time to get to know yourself, the real you, under the mask you wear for others. You will start to love what you see. I promise. 

I hope you have a beautiful day
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Positivity Breeds Positivity

The past week has come with a lot of introspection, a lot of insight, a lot of inspiration, and a lot of change. I started last week with this deep sense of not knowing who I was or where I was headed in life. It's a really disorienting feeling. I was kind of skating by, not really paying attention to what was going on around me, or within me, and I sort of had this flash of "what have I been doing?" And then it was this overwhelming feeling of existential dread almost. 

I started really evaluating myself. On an uncomfortable level. I started asking myself what my issues were. What was I allowing in my life that wasn't serving me? What was I doing to myself that didn't serve me? I have always been incredible self-aware when it came to my mental health. But I have been blind to so many other things. I really had no idea the amount of crap that I was holding in without even realizing it. 

I've noticed that I'm very negative towards myself. I didn't notice that before this week. I have caught myself talking horribly to myself. About my body.About my looks. About my intelligence. About my abilities and my strengths or weaknesses. About my clothing choices and my hair. About my skin. About my mental health. About everything. It seemed that every single aspect of myself had some negative aspect to it according to my brain. I have worked really hard this week on changing those negative aspects into positive ones, and repeating them to myself. 

One thing I have struggled with FOREVER is my weight. I have a very poor image of myself. VERY POOR. So this week, I have tried REALLY hard to change my mindset when a negative thought pops into my head about my body or my appearance. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. It's more than saying "No, you're actually beautiful." You go for so long thinking you are plain looking, fat, unattractive, etc., that you don't believe it when you say something like that. The trick is to say something to yourself that you can believe. So when I start to think that I am fat, I have started to tell myself "Melissa, you may be overweight right now, but you are a work in progress. You are making positive changes in your diet and your level of activity, and you are starting to notice some nice changes to your motivation levels, as well as your energy and sleep. This is a great start, keep up the work!" I don't tell myself I'm not fat. I am. That's just a fact. But I take away the negative aspect of that, and replace it with the positive aspects of my situation. It makes me motivated to continue on my weight loss journey. It makes me excited, and it keeps me looking forward to noticing other positive changes I am making. 

I have trouble comparing myself to others. I do this continuously. And it leaves me feeling inadequate. There is a saying: Someone else's beauty is not the absence of your own. WOW. What a profound statement, though. You see yourself everyday. You don't see yourself the way that others do. What you think makes you plain could be what makes you stunning to someone else. What you think makes you ugly could be what makes you irresistible to your partner. You can't compare yourself to someone else because that someone else isn't you. It's so cliche to say, but there is only one you, and that makes you a special edition copy. There is only one human exactly like you, and that's you. It makes you invaluable. I have been trying to look at other women, and instead of thinking "man she's so pretty. I wish I had her....or I wish my.....or I wish I could look like..." I have tried to start thinking "She is a beautiful addition to humanity." The thing about looks that I have to keep remembering, is that they are not indicative of character. And you'll have to excuse me, but good character will always outshine good looks. If you can't be a good person, it's really just "congratulations on your face" and I dont want to be remembered for my face. I want to be remembered for what I did for people, changes I made to better my community and those around me, and the kindness and love I showered people with.

I have really begun to understand the difference in wanting to change, and actually initiating change. In the past, I would always say to myself that I wanted to be think more positively and love myself and be more open with myself, but I never actively tried to change my ways of thinking. But in the past week, I have desperately tried to initiate active change in my thinking. I have started practicing mindfulness, so that I am more aware of the negative thoughts when they occur so I can change them to positive thoughts. It has really made a hug impact on me. This has been an incredible week of self-discovery for me. 

Positivity truly breeds positivity. 


Cheers
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Reasons I Can't Sleep #476

I used to have a fairly good sleep schedule down. Asleep by 20:30, awake at 04:30. Get up, have coffee, work on my gratitude journal, positive affirmations, etc before my little dude woke up. It was really nice. I was sleeping. I was waking up feeling pretty refreshed. And now, I'm back to staying up way too late, and waking up too late and rushing around (hello anxiety trigger.) 

People who don't have anxiety truly don't understand what it can be like at night. They tell us "just lay down and relax" or "close your eyes, you'll fall asleep." Yes, thank you Yoda. Wise, you are. That doesn't work when you have anxiety. Thoughts go into overdrive. Past failures. Past conversations where you said something stupid. Past moments of embarrassment. Past screw ups at work. Everything you did in 2009 that could possibly have upset your dead grandmother enough to flip over in her grave. I can lay there literally all night with my thoughts racing. I can work myself into panic attacks over crap that happened in middle school. I can't go back and change time. I can't change what I said to Becky from Mrs. T's class after she tripped me and called me Piggy the Trash Digger. Yet it sticks in my mind on a freaking loop for hours while I agonize over every possible outcome that could have happened. I can even tell you what color shirt Mrs. T was wearing that day, and that Becky was wearing a tacky black choker with little pink beads. She probably likes being handcuffed now. Anyway, I digress. The point is, the night can be...rough. 

I went for a walk today with my friend. It wasn't a super long walk, but it felt nice to get out and exercise. I felt good about myself for the first time in a long time because I actually went out and was active, and I avoided junk food.For me, that is huge. I came home and worked on my Motivation Wall. I put motivational quotes and positive affirmations on Post-Its and put them randomly throughout the house so I can see them, read them, and try to internalize and believe them. I started looking at some fun indoor workouts I could do, and came across a picture. It was a woman who had a ton of excess skin from losing weight. 

Cue panic. And I DO. MEAN. PANIC. 

Want to know why I can't sleep tonight? Because I'm worried that I will lose weight, not stay hydrated enough, not tone enough, and I will have pounds of excess, saggy, droopy skin that I will have to tuck into tights that will be worn under jeans. Ridiculous. I'm literally on day one of my journey and this is what my brain is doing. Trying to sabotage my progress on day one! Anything that is remotely out of my comfort zone is immediately attacked. I absolutely hate it. I HATE IT!!!

I am sitting on my couch, crying, because I am worried that I might possibly have loose skin after losing weight. At midnight. And it is making me feel sick to my stomach. It is making me feel like no man will find me desirable. Who would want to see all of that. And I don't say that to body shame the men and women with loose skin. Because they have worked their ass off for every bit of that. And I know that if I end up with loose skin, I will feel pride knowing I worked mine off as well. It's the mere THOUGHT of POSSIBLY disliking what I see more than what I already do. It makes me question whether it's even worth it. Well, of course it is, and I know that. It makes me hate my body even more than I do right now because if I wouldn't have let myself get to this point, I wouldn't even have to be worrying about loose skin, that I don't have, from weight I haven't lost, on day one of my journey, at MIDNIGHT. Jesus Christ. 

Do you see how annoying this is yet? I know it's nothing to worry about. I know it's nothing to stress about. I definitely know it's nothing to have chest pains and nausea about. I just can't shut my brain up long enough to convince it of that fact. 

I'm not sure why I'm posting this. Maybe just to give a little insight into what it's like to be stuck in this continual state of useless, baseless, and senseless anxiety/panic. And it kind of helps to barf it out of my brain to process it in written form vs thought form. Either way, my panic is starting to subside, so I believe I'll lay back and enjoy another episode of The Dead Files. 

Goodnight
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Thoughtful Thursday

I woke up without anxiety being the big spoon. It was a nice switch up. Normally, I wake up with anxiety being draped around me like a dark cloak...too tight, covering my face and making it hard to breathe. But this morning, I woke up slowly, my son plastered to my side, my dog next to my legs, and it was nice. And then, my brain must have caught on to the fact that I was enjoying a small moment entirely too much, because BAM, there it was. Slowly creeping in, tendrils of worry and uncertainty, irritation, that annoying hypersensitivity to touch. I hate that the most because my son wants to crawl all over me and give me lots of hugs and kisses, and while I return them, the feeling of physical contact threatens to send me spiraling into a panic attack. It feels as though my skin is too small for my body, and any little touch shrinks it even further. 

I try to explain it to my son. That my brain isn't nice to me. That is makes me feel nervous and sometimes I get irritated. He gets it for the most part. He will notice my mood changes and ask me if I'm getting nervous. He will ask if I want a hug, because I tell him that his hugs ALWAYS make me feel better. We have normal hugs, and then we have "big hugs." We count to three, yell "big hug," and then he squeezes me as tight as he can. Those hugs do make me feel better. They are full of 5 year old love and understanding. He will ask me "are you happy or sad or mad or frustrated Momma?" He is always trying to get a read on how I'm feeling, and he always tries to make me feel better. He tells me he doesn't like that my brain isn't nice to me, and he would beat my brain up if it wasn't in my head. Me too, kid. Me too. 

This morning passed without me losing my ever loving mind. No yelling, no crying, no breakdowns. Got ready for school, got bags packed, jackets on, shoes WITH socks, and even car danced on the way to school. I love moments like that. Where I can acknowledge my anxiety without letting it rule my life. We danced to some Katy Perry song (barf), and John told me about how the kids in his class liked the snacks I picked for his snack day, that he was having fun in his after-school program because he learned how to draw a story on paper, and that he was learning how to read better in class and he could count to 200 now. I love hearing about his accomplishments, and I love the moments that I can focus and actually HEAR them without my brain cutting in every 5 seconds to tell me what I forgot, or that my friends hate me, or that I could die in a car crash. It makes me feel like the involved parent I want so desperately to be. 

I was able to come home, grab a cup of coffee in my favorite Disney mug, and sit down with my journal. I was able to work on my positive affirmations. I was able to work on my gratitude journal. I was able to work on my parenting class (parenting with anxiety.) And I was able to sit here to write this. My anxiety is kind of sitting in the back of my mind silently watching me do this. I can feel it, but it isn't in control. It makes me feel like I'm in control and winning the fight, at least for right now. This is when I feel my best. I don't think I will ever get rid of my anxiety, or my depression, but I do feel like I will have more and more days where my anxiety and depression are passengers and not the drivers. That's all I really want. My anxiety and depression have made me who I am, and I don't know if I would know how to exist without them. I just want to be the one in control. 

I won't tell you to have a good day. I will just tell you to have a day. Take it as it comes. Breathe through it. Be grateful for your experiences. Take notice of the positive things that occur throughout your day and be thankful for them. 

Cheers

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Second Maiden Voyage

I've played with creating a new blog about my anxiety and depression for a while now. I had one before, called The High A Project. It was my baby. I put my heart and soul into it...and I let my anxiety destroy it. The moment I hit delete, I was devastated. I know that sounds silly, but it was like a piece of me was deleted right there with it. If you have anxiety, you may know where I'm coming from. You work so hard to feel normal, to be normal, and you start making progress. You're able to do the small things you couldn't before. Making that phone call. Going to that doctors appointment. Going to the store and getting groceries. And then the next thing you know, something small happens, and you are snapped back into that dark hole and unable to do it anymore. 

I was doing so well. My son started Kindergarten and I only cried once. I started school again. I lost my job and didn't have a panic attack. I broke my foot, and didn't let it keep me down (literally)...I was VERY non-compliant haha. I felt really good. I was more confident than I had been in a very long time. And then the job search wasn't going as planned. One month turned into two, two into three, and so on. I lost all of that confidence. And I sunk. Once again. Back into that black pit of anxiety hell. So I deleted my Facebook, and with that, went my page. And I hated myself for it. I felt like a failure all over again. I let my anxiety ruin it all over again. 

I've tried for a really long time to hold on to who I was at 15 years old. That carefree age where nothing mattered but boys and friends and having fun. I always thought if I fought hard enough, I could find that feeling again. That I could be happy again. That I could chase away the thoughts and feelings and trauma that the past decade plus has thrown my way. But life doesn't work like that. I was foolish...or naive...to think it did. I've realized over the past week that I'm not who I was back then, and no matter how tightly I hold on to the past, no matter how tightly I cling to memories of who I was back then, I will never get that back. I'm having to learn how to figure out who I am now, and how to make it work. It's like meeting a new person, who is a little skittish, for the first time and trying to become best friends with them. It takes time, patience, and understanding. It takes questions, and digging, and finding out how they tick. Except "they" is me, and I'm not patient, I hate asking questions, and I don't like people in general. So this is going to be a huge, very uncomfortable, exceedingly uncomfortable, very annoying learning curve. Hopefully the outcome is something incredibly amazing.

But I'm trying again. I'm starting fresh. My second maiden voyage. The thing about fighters...about survivors...is that we don't give up. We keep trying. And I am determined to win my battle with anxiety and depression. Or at least give it a run for it's money. Follow along. Or don't. This is for me, not you. But if you happen to find something useful along the way, I'm glad. 

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