Thoughtful Thursday

I woke up without anxiety being the big spoon. It was a nice switch up. Normally, I wake up with anxiety being draped around me like a dark cloak...too tight, covering my face and making it hard to breathe. But this morning, I woke up slowly, my son plastered to my side, my dog next to my legs, and it was nice. And then, my brain must have caught on to the fact that I was enjoying a small moment entirely too much, because BAM, there it was. Slowly creeping in, tendrils of worry and uncertainty, irritation, that annoying hypersensitivity to touch. I hate that the most because my son wants to crawl all over me and give me lots of hugs and kisses, and while I return them, the feeling of physical contact threatens to send me spiraling into a panic attack. It feels as though my skin is too small for my body, and any little touch shrinks it even further. 

I try to explain it to my son. That my brain isn't nice to me. That is makes me feel nervous and sometimes I get irritated. He gets it for the most part. He will notice my mood changes and ask me if I'm getting nervous. He will ask if I want a hug, because I tell him that his hugs ALWAYS make me feel better. We have normal hugs, and then we have "big hugs." We count to three, yell "big hug," and then he squeezes me as tight as he can. Those hugs do make me feel better. They are full of 5 year old love and understanding. He will ask me "are you happy or sad or mad or frustrated Momma?" He is always trying to get a read on how I'm feeling, and he always tries to make me feel better. He tells me he doesn't like that my brain isn't nice to me, and he would beat my brain up if it wasn't in my head. Me too, kid. Me too. 

This morning passed without me losing my ever loving mind. No yelling, no crying, no breakdowns. Got ready for school, got bags packed, jackets on, shoes WITH socks, and even car danced on the way to school. I love moments like that. Where I can acknowledge my anxiety without letting it rule my life. We danced to some Katy Perry song (barf), and John told me about how the kids in his class liked the snacks I picked for his snack day, that he was having fun in his after-school program because he learned how to draw a story on paper, and that he was learning how to read better in class and he could count to 200 now. I love hearing about his accomplishments, and I love the moments that I can focus and actually HEAR them without my brain cutting in every 5 seconds to tell me what I forgot, or that my friends hate me, or that I could die in a car crash. It makes me feel like the involved parent I want so desperately to be. 

I was able to come home, grab a cup of coffee in my favorite Disney mug, and sit down with my journal. I was able to work on my positive affirmations. I was able to work on my gratitude journal. I was able to work on my parenting class (parenting with anxiety.) And I was able to sit here to write this. My anxiety is kind of sitting in the back of my mind silently watching me do this. I can feel it, but it isn't in control. It makes me feel like I'm in control and winning the fight, at least for right now. This is when I feel my best. I don't think I will ever get rid of my anxiety, or my depression, but I do feel like I will have more and more days where my anxiety and depression are passengers and not the drivers. That's all I really want. My anxiety and depression have made me who I am, and I don't know if I would know how to exist without them. I just want to be the one in control. 

I won't tell you to have a good day. I will just tell you to have a day. Take it as it comes. Breathe through it. Be grateful for your experiences. Take notice of the positive things that occur throughout your day and be thankful for them. 

Cheers

-Slips-