Positivity Breeds Positivity

The past week has come with a lot of introspection, a lot of insight, a lot of inspiration, and a lot of change. I started last week with this deep sense of not knowing who I was or where I was headed in life. It's a really disorienting feeling. I was kind of skating by, not really paying attention to what was going on around me, or within me, and I sort of had this flash of "what have I been doing?" And then it was this overwhelming feeling of existential dread almost. 

I started really evaluating myself. On an uncomfortable level. I started asking myself what my issues were. What was I allowing in my life that wasn't serving me? What was I doing to myself that didn't serve me? I have always been incredible self-aware when it came to my mental health. But I have been blind to so many other things. I really had no idea the amount of crap that I was holding in without even realizing it. 

I've noticed that I'm very negative towards myself. I didn't notice that before this week. I have caught myself talking horribly to myself. About my body.About my looks. About my intelligence. About my abilities and my strengths or weaknesses. About my clothing choices and my hair. About my skin. About my mental health. About everything. It seemed that every single aspect of myself had some negative aspect to it according to my brain. I have worked really hard this week on changing those negative aspects into positive ones, and repeating them to myself. 

One thing I have struggled with FOREVER is my weight. I have a very poor image of myself. VERY POOR. So this week, I have tried REALLY hard to change my mindset when a negative thought pops into my head about my body or my appearance. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. It's more than saying "No, you're actually beautiful." You go for so long thinking you are plain looking, fat, unattractive, etc., that you don't believe it when you say something like that. The trick is to say something to yourself that you can believe. So when I start to think that I am fat, I have started to tell myself "Melissa, you may be overweight right now, but you are a work in progress. You are making positive changes in your diet and your level of activity, and you are starting to notice some nice changes to your motivation levels, as well as your energy and sleep. This is a great start, keep up the work!" I don't tell myself I'm not fat. I am. That's just a fact. But I take away the negative aspect of that, and replace it with the positive aspects of my situation. It makes me motivated to continue on my weight loss journey. It makes me excited, and it keeps me looking forward to noticing other positive changes I am making. 

I have trouble comparing myself to others. I do this continuously. And it leaves me feeling inadequate. There is a saying: Someone else's beauty is not the absence of your own. WOW. What a profound statement, though. You see yourself everyday. You don't see yourself the way that others do. What you think makes you plain could be what makes you stunning to someone else. What you think makes you ugly could be what makes you irresistible to your partner. You can't compare yourself to someone else because that someone else isn't you. It's so cliche to say, but there is only one you, and that makes you a special edition copy. There is only one human exactly like you, and that's you. It makes you invaluable. I have been trying to look at other women, and instead of thinking "man she's so pretty. I wish I had her....or I wish my.....or I wish I could look like..." I have tried to start thinking "She is a beautiful addition to humanity." The thing about looks that I have to keep remembering, is that they are not indicative of character. And you'll have to excuse me, but good character will always outshine good looks. If you can't be a good person, it's really just "congratulations on your face" and I dont want to be remembered for my face. I want to be remembered for what I did for people, changes I made to better my community and those around me, and the kindness and love I showered people with.

I have really begun to understand the difference in wanting to change, and actually initiating change. In the past, I would always say to myself that I wanted to be think more positively and love myself and be more open with myself, but I never actively tried to change my ways of thinking. But in the past week, I have desperately tried to initiate active change in my thinking. I have started practicing mindfulness, so that I am more aware of the negative thoughts when they occur so I can change them to positive thoughts. It has really made a hug impact on me. This has been an incredible week of self-discovery for me. 

Positivity truly breeds positivity. 


Cheers
-Slips-